Stuart Douglas Maxwell

Stuart from Murieston Gardens, Livingston, was a former pupil of James Young High School.

He was tragically killed after colliding with a car on Friday 22nd September 2006 five days before his 23rd birthday.

Stuart lost his guardian angel whilst on a journey in Fife- his young life was cut short so quickly. He has left a large void in so many lives. He was loved by so many and will be deeply missed.


Is it better to have loved and lost or to never have loved at all?

Is it better to have loved and lost or would it have been better to have never loved at all? This is a question that goes around in my head. From the first time I gazed at his beautiful, angelic face, his tiny fingers and toes, I knew that I would never experience such happiness or love again. It was such an exciting time, there was so much I couldn’t wait to show him; butterflies, rainbows, the seaside, the moon, the stars. I felt the beauty of the world around me!

I remember gazing at his body on that dreadful day. Lying there so still, so, so cold. He looked like my son but I knew he wasn’t there. He just looked like he was sleeping. I felt so numb. All I wanted to do was get home, away from this nightmare, and for everything to be back to normal. This was just a bad dream. Life went on autopilot; notifying relatives, friends, the funeral to organise, paper work to sort. I felt dead inside. The hurt and pain was all around me. How was I to comfort his brother, his dad, his friends, when I felt such over whelming sadness. We couldn’t comfort each other. To take on the pain of others would surely have thrown us over the edge.

I could feel Stuart around me. I longed to see him, touch him, to hear him, to give him a big hug but I couldn’t see him. I searched for him! I saw him when I was driving, walking along the street, sitting on the settee, in his room…. he was everywhere but I couldn’t reach out to him. I tried to contact him through mediums and prayed that he would hear me, come to me, talk with me, and say that he forgave me. I had a dream; we were all playing in this field, Stuart, Craig, his dad and I…..Stuart was only about nine years old in the dream. I said we had better go home now and Stuart turned to me and looked me in the eye and said” But mum, I can’t go home. I’m dead!” I woke up and knew that he would never come home to me, reality had kicked in! I just wished that I was dead too so that I could be with him but I couldn’t leave Craig or his dad. I felt so torn.

I felt my heart was broken in two when my dad died. I knew it was his time; that he was ready, but I missed him so much. Now I grieve for my beautiful baby, my toddler with the impish smile, the stroppy teenager that gave so much grief as well as pleasure and the young man that was loved and respected by so many. I grieve for the man who never was, for the grandchildren who never will be….for the future which has been taken away. I hear him saying his words, “Trust me mum!!” I hear him promise to look after his brother and pray that he can keep this promise; “Don’t worry mum, I’ll look after him!”

The worst feeling was being scared. I was so scared for him. I could feel he was around me- he must have been so, so scared. I imagined him so lost. He was always scared of the dark. He was all alone…..God I prayed that my dad or Mary, mother of Jesus, was there to look after him. I prayed so much for someone to look after my baby. I wanted to cuddle him, tell him I would always be here for him, but I felt so useless. Parents are there to protect and love their children. How could I protect him now? How could I make everything better? If he was hurt, if he was sad, if he was upset I could make it better if he was alive. The feeling of hopelessness overwhelmed me.

Everyday I tell him that I love him, and that I will always love and miss him, I say that I am sorry and beg his forgiveness. Mothers are supposed to protect their children from harm, I failed miserably. “If only” are words that bounce around my head. If only we didn’t help him get that bike, if only he hadn’t gone on that bike ride, if only he had gone round that bend a few seconds sooner or a few seconds later then maybe that car wouldn’t have hit him….if only.


I visit his grave everyday. I light candles to give him light so he isn’t scared. I have placed solar lights around the tree where he rests and pray that he is safe and happy in heaven. He was my life, his spirit shone. I miss his laughter, his sense of humour…I just miss him so much. Since he was taken from me there is emptiness inside. I look at the stars, the sun rising and setting and see the beauty in the world but I will never feel that beauty again. Inside there is a hollow, emptiness that my love for Stuart used to fill. I lack emotion; I plaster a smile on my face but feel no joy …I feel nothing.

Is it better to have loved and lost or live this life now? Of course it was. I would never have it any other way. I was lucky to have had Stuart for 22 years. He brought me so much happiness, so much love. I would not trade that in for anything. Although I have his brother, who I love dearly, he is not him.

My darling son Stuart, I am so sorry I failed you. I miss you and love you always.